October 25, 2014

Dave Stelts grew a really big pumpkin!

Now that he's seen its weight, Dave could best be described as:
a. shell-shocked
b. out of his gourd
c. making plans for carving a stagecoach after midnight.

October 24, 2014

History's greatest "Epic Fails"

Hey teachers—I had a lot of fun writing this "Epic Fails" series for an educational publisher. They're high-interest nonfiction chapter books written from a “comedic point-of-view.” (Translation = They have comics!)

October 21, 2014

Important Announcement

My first novel will be published by Hyperion Books (Disney’s publishing division) in the not-too-distant future. 

It’s a funny science-fiction story about a young birdwatcher caught up in an adventure.

P.S. Yes, I am very excited! 

October 17, 2014

“Trick-or-treaters! Beware of my GARDEN GATE OF DOOM.”

—“But wh-what’s on the other side, mister?” 
—“Well, the nasturtiums are just lovely this time of year.” 
*screams, sounds of children fleeing*

Some days, everything goes your way.

Other days, you forget to put water in your cup-of-noodles.

October 11, 2014

My wife is funny.

So much for my personalized bottle.

Oh well. Even big soda poop companies make mistakes.

House detective Bart King in…

“Aha—THIS thing is, like, not hooked up to another thing. The case is solved!”

*applause, curtain comes down as Bart starts breakdancing*

Neuroscientist Twitter Battle!

A group of neuroscientists did battle in an epic Twitter Rap Free-for-All. Check it! [Scientific terms explained in brackets.]
DEAN BURNETT: My flow is so powerful it’s basically exponential
Yours don't make the threshold for a single action potential.
[An "action potential" is the signal sent by a neuron.]
LOUIS: I speak hard truth my words are metallic,
Your rhymes are brainless like an acephalic.  

[Acephalic = without a head]

DB: If your rhymes taste metallic then I hate to confuse ya
But that's a symptom of dysgeusia.
[Dysgeusia is a distortion of taste perception.]
LOUIS: You think that scares me? Here's something to amaze ya, 
Your weak comprehension makes me diagnose aphasia.
[Aphasia describes a variety of communication disorders.]
DB: You repeat and add nothing like a Celine Dion ballad. 
Basically demonstrating classic word salad. 

[See Sarah Palin.]
LOUIS: Celine's a low blow I expect no better, 
From a weak-ass rhymer who's cephalically wetter. 

[“Water on the brain” reference.]
DB: You want to step to me, like a fly in a spider's parlor?
I'll make you so scared you'll rip out your amygdala.
[Removal of the amygdala typically removes the fear response.]
AIDAN HORNER: You don't know left from right, I'm fricking awesome
Your rhymes so disconnected, someone's cut your corpus callosum.
[The connection between left and right brain hemispheres.]
SALLY PRICE: Ya hissing & dissing like a pair of morons; 
It's clear the spirochaetes ate all your neurons.
[Spirochaetes are a bacteria that can infect the brain.]
DB: Morons & neurons don't rhyme, I'm afraid. 
If your flow was a cat, it'd have to be spayed.
SALLY PRICE: You stutter like you got dysdiadokinesis; 
I'm puttin’ it down to your tertiary syphilis.
[Dysdiadokinesis - impaired ability to perform alternating movements.]
DB: My words are quite clear as anyone can see. 
That you struggle to read them suggests maybe ADHD.

This is a shortened version of the battle; here’s the whole thing!